The Tontine by Thomas B. Costain

When we were home in Napa at Christmas, I asked my 91-year old father for a recommendation for a new book for me. I was there longer than anticipated, and had finished everything I had brought along with me. My dad and I happen to love some of the same books (Story Like the Wind; A Far-Off Place, for example), so I was hoping he would have a good suggestion for me. He did! And not only did he recommend it, my sister Ann chimed in and said she had enjoyed it too. And, best of all, he had a copy of it I could keep awhile.

From the first page, I was taken in! Costain weaves a delightful history of life in England around the time of Napoleon's defeat. It's an ambitious undertaking as he follows the lives of several families and generations as England becomes industrialized. The main family, the Carboy's, are importers and factory owners. There's love, there's intrigue, there's peerage, and there's all manner of human frailties. Costain's tone is quite witty; he has a sometimes acid eye as he describes the foibles and interactions of the characters. Sometimes I would laugh out loud at his observations.

The story spans three or more generations and is divided into two volumes. I found the first volume much funnier than the first, but the story carried me right along in the second. It took me awhile to track down and order the second volume, so I had a few weeks in between. By the end of the story in the second volume, I couldn't remember some of the people that the story had circled back around to. So I started back at the beginning of the story in Volume 1, and realize that from the very beginning there is LOTS of subtle foreshadowing of things to come. It's very enjoyable to notice these on the second time through.

Costain's characters are fascinating and memorable. They also tend to be pretty much altruistic (Helen Groody) or stubbornly greedy (Sam Carboy). Although the good ones have their weak moments, the greedy ones seldom have any redeeming qualities; at least any that we can see. What they profess early in their lives (Isabelle Carboy, for example, wanting to marry a duke) stays consistent over the course of their lives. The English passion for their knighted and decorated heroes is fun to read about.

One thing I enjoyed was the comforting world that the author creates around the good characters. It feels reassuring to see good being rewarded with peace! Their lives are not always easy and they suffer serious setbacks, but their peace remains. That's a good thing.

The books I read were published in 1955 and the several pen and ink illustrations by Herbert Ryman in each volume are spare and charming. All in all, worthy of keeping and visiting again in a future lazy day!

July 2016
So...just coming out of a very difficult period...this pair of books (Volume 1 and 2) were a delightful retreat from reality as my brain adjusted to a new phase of life. We moved into a townhome and moved Irene in with us; she's 92 and this has dramatically changed our lives. When things were tough, I would gratefully retreat down to our cool walk-out basement and lose myself again in this wonderful story. I was so exhausted every day, that this was book was also a great reward at night before crashing. It took me over a month to read both this time around, and it was well worth it!

April 2022
I just finished it again! What a delightful story with great characters! We are now living in St. George, and it was a nice spring read when I needed something to help me sleep. I love this story and these characters. I might have to branch out and try a few more of this author's. It's amazing the detail he goes into as he describes the events of the three generations this epic novel spans. We see child labor exploited, we see heroes helping to get child-protection laws passed, we see Napoleon's family trying to gain the throne again, and we see the massive wealth built in England by Sam Carboy utterly lost in a depression.  So enjoyable! It's a keeper, for sure. And kind of bittersweet, now that Daddy is gone, that I can't revisit the story with him. 

Without Offense: The Art of Giving and Receiving Criticism by Dr. John L. Lund

I was talking to my friend Christy one day, about a book we both love: Bonds That Make Us Free by C. Terry Warner. I was wondering aloud about why Warner left much of the "how" out of his book and wrote that people had to find their own path. I liked that respect for our abilities, yet would appreciate some specific guidance in the area of working out differences constructively. Christy offered to lend me this book, because she feels it really goes a long way towards the "how."

Initially, I was disappointed as I scanned the first few chapters. Lund makes a strong case through scriptural references that advise that we are generally NOT to give criticism. He goes on to say that there is no such thing as "constructive" criticism, and compares criticism to unrighteous judgment.

Gradually, though, I began to understand and appreciate his point of view. Here's an excerpt from page 36:
Wisdom and common sense require that criticism be used sparingly. We should criticize so seldom that when we do, we will be heard. The frequently critical person is tuned out before the message is delivered. Nor is it justified to criticize  in the name of being honest. The so-called open, honest relationship, where both members feel free to express their concerns, often provides a forum for the more critical partner. Maybe the fundamental question that ought to be asked is not, "Is it honest?" but rather, "Is it edifying?" Will it ultimately be uplifting? Will it be good for the individual and the relationship? If a criticism does not qualify under the latter, it should not be spoken at all. 

On page 37, he describes the 24-hour challenge. That is, to try to live 24 hours without giving any criticism. I have tried this, and have had to start over multiple times! This little exercise really brought home to me how often and constantly I have critical thoughts and words.

Near the end of the book, Lund describes so-called toxic personalities and how to deal with them. This was perhaps my least favorite part of the book. It was almost like you're excused if you have to deal with a toxic personality...whereas Warner wouldn't go there at all. There may be times and people you leave, but you leave without anger, and with love. This toxic personality is no excuse, in my mind, but Lund still does caution us that even in those situations, our task is to love others. "People deserve to be loved because they are children of God. People should be loved even if their deeds cannot be."

Some of the "rules" of giving criticism make sense:
1. Think before you speak. Is the criticism within your stewardship, and would it be in the best interest of the other person to hear it? If not, don't say it. If it is, then proceed.
2. Ask for and receive permission before criticizing.
3. Be alone with the person at a mutually agreeable time and place.
4. Be in emotional control and logically explain the concern. No yelling, crying, swearing, or physical or emotional intimidation is allowed.
5. Do not attack the self-wroth of any human being. Focus on the issue or behavior. Be as specific as you can in separating self-wroth from the issue or behavior.
6. Affirm his or her worth to you.

I wouldn't say this book was one I appreciated very much. Parts made sense, but in general, I didn't find it too helpful. It seems like  too often the "acting out of love" was a strain or sacrifice, whereas Warner's idea is that being who WE need to be gives the other person a different person to react to...and there isn't sacrifice or martyrdom involved at all. We are just doing the right thing for the right reason. That approach makes more sense to me...

Becoming the Teacher that Students Remember by Philip S. Hall

I was delighted when Phil asked Len and me to read this manuscript because I felt like I would learn a lot about Phil. I did! He has spent years working with difficult children and he truly values them and offers unrelenting hope and strategies for changing their future. I want to remember his six relationship skills; he claims that teachers who use all six will empower their learners and provide an emotionally safe environment. There are three for each of these two purposes:

Here are the Empowering Learners skills:
1. Ensuring success
2. Promoting independence
3. Teaching for behavior change

Here are the Emotionally Safe Environment skills:
4. Gentle interventions
5. Logical consequences
6. No punishment

These six form a solid framework for a teacher and for a school. Phil's stories bring each one to life in a very entertaining way.

Please note: THIS HAS NOT YET BEEN PUBLISHED! Hopefully, it will be soon!

The Return of the Prodigal Son by Henri Nouwen

This slender little volume of only 151 pages is a delight. I have heard Henri Nouwen quoted many times in my Courage & Renewal work, but I had never encountered him directly, in a complete piece of work. This was the perfect place to begin, I think, because it helped me get acquainted with his deep love of God and his musings on the meaning of that in his life. Interestingly, it wasn't through a Courage & Renewal person that I was motivated to read this book. It was at a late summer meeting with author Chuck Schwahn over lunch when we were taking a break from "Mass Customized Learning" ideas, planning, and work that I realized I needed to read this book. Chuck described how Nouwen leads his reader through a spiritual understanding as he "came home" to God through studying and living with Rembrandt's painting, the Prodigal Son. I was intrigued by Chuck's enthusiasm about this book, and, as I've read and pondered it, have gained new understanding of Chuck and what's important to him. I hope this will help me as we work together in the future. I feel it will!

It's a beautiful journey that Nouwen leads us on. He describes the painting (an astonishing 8 ft. by 6 ft.), traces its roots through parts of Rembrandt's life, and describes his own understandings of its meaning over time. It's all based on the biblical account of the Prodigal Son. Nouwen sees himself first as the rebellious, then repentant son; next as the resentful, faithful, older son, and finally as the loving, welcoming father. I love how his understanding of man's agency, God's boundless love, Christ's submission and weakness, and the nature of God as both father and mother coincide with my own beliefs and Mormon doctrine.  His insights deepen my beliefs and gratitude.

Now the struggle will be to choose only a few of the choice passages and not to quote the entire book! I will share a few, as a sampling, to help me remember that this is a book to be savored again and again. And it's probably like the scriptures themselves in that each time I read them, they will have a different application to my life and understanding!

From the Prologue, pages 4-5: ...I first encountered Rembrandt's Prodigal Son on the door of Simone's office. My heart leapt when I saw it. After my long and self-exposing journey, the tender embrace of father and son expressed everything I desired at that moment. I was, indeed, the son exhausted from long travels; I wanted to be embraced; I was looking for a home where I could feel safe. The son-come-home was all I was and all that I wanted to be. For so long I had been going from place to place: confronting, beseeching, admonishing, and consoling. Now I desired only to rest safely in a place where I could feel a sense of belonging, a place where I could feel at home....It had brought me into touch with something within me that lies far beyond the ups and downs of a busy life, something that represents the ongoing yearning of the human spirit, the yearning for a final return, an unambiguous sense of safety, a lasting home.

Page 9 - Gradually I realized that there were as many paintings of the Prodigal Son as there were changes in the light, and, for a long time, I was held spellbound by this gracious dance of nature and art.

Page 33-- As I look at the prodigal son kneeling before his father and pressing his face against his chest, I cannot but see there the once so self-confident and venerated artist who has come to the painful realization that all the glory he had gathered for himself proved to be vain glory. Instead of the rich garments with which the youthful Rembrandt painted himself in the brothel, he now wears only a torn undertunic covering his emaciated body, and the sandals, in which he had walked so far, have become worn out and useless.
Moving my eyes from the repentant son to the compassionate father, I see that the glittering light reflecting from golden chains, harnesses, helmets, candles, and hidden lamps has died out and been replaced by the inner light of old age. It is the movement from the glory that seduces one into an ever greater search for wealth and popularity to the glory that is hidden in the human soul and surpasses death.

Page 35--The soft yellow-brown of the son's underclothes looks beautiful when seen in rich harmony of the father's cloak, but the truth of the matter is that the son is dressed in rages that betray the great misery that lies behind him. In the context of a compassionate embrace, our brokenness may appear beautiful, but our brokenness has no other beauty but the beauty that comes from the compassion that surrounds it.
And then Nouwen explains the extreme hurt that would have come to the father given the son's desire to take his inheritance early and leave...it was counter-cultural, and taking this early implied that the son wanted the father dead. These insights deepen the love I feel for the father's joy at his return...

Pages 39-40-- Yet over and over again I have left home. I have fled the hands of blessing and run off to faraway places search for love! This is the great tragedy of my life and of the lives of so many I meet on my journey. Somehow I have become deaf to the voice that calls me the Beloved, have left the only place where I can hear that voice, and have gone off desperately hoping that I would find somewhere else what I could no longer find at home.
At first this sounds simply unbelievable. Why should I leave the place where all I need to hear can be heard? The more I think about this question, the more I realize that the true voice of love is a very soft and gentle voice speaking to me in the most hidden places of my being. It is not a boisterous voice, forcing itslef on me and demanding attention. It is the voice of a nearly blind father who has cried much and died many deaths. It is a voice that coan only be heard by those who allow themselves to be touched.

Page 44--...But the father couldn't compel his son to stay home. He couldn't force his love on the Beloved. He had to let him go in freedom, even though he knew the pain it would cause both his son and himself. It was love itself that prevented him from keeping his son home at all cost. It was love itself that allowed him to let his son find his own life, even with the risk of losing it.
Here the mystery of my life is unveiled. I am loved so much that I am left free to leave home. The blessint is there from the beginning. I have left it and keep on leaving it. But the Father is always looking for me with outstretched arms to receive me back and whisper again in my ear, "You are my Beloved, on you my favor rests."

Page 108 -- The parable of the prodical son is a story that speaks about a love that existed before any rejection was possible and that will still be there after all rejections have taken place. It is the first and everlasting love of a God who is Father as well as Mother. It is the fountain of all true human love, even the most limited. Jesus' whole life and preaching had only one aim: to reveal this inexhaustible, unlimited motherly and fatherly love of his God and to show the way to let that love guide every part of our daily lives. In his painting of the father, Rembrandt offers me a glimpse of that love. It is the love that always welcomes home and always wants to celebrate.

Page 117-- For me it is amazing to experience daily the radical difference between cynicism and joy. Cynics seek darkness wherever they go. They point always to approaching dangers, impure motives, and hidden schemes. They call trust naive, care romantic, and forgiveness sentimental. They sneer at enthusiasm, ridicule spiritual fervor, and despise charismatic behavior. They consider themselves realists who see reality for what it truly is and who are not deceived by "escapist emotions." But in belittling God's joy, their darkness only calls forth more darkness.
People who have come to know the joy of God do not deny the darkness, but they choose not to live in it. They claim that the light that shines in the darkness can be trusted more than the darkness itself and that a little bit of light can dispel a lot of darkness. They point each other to flashes of light here and there, and remind each other that they reveal the hidden but real presence of God. They discover that there are pople who heal each other's wounds, forgive each other's offenses, share their possessions, foster the spirit of community, celebrate the gifts they have received, and live in constant anticipation of the full manifestation of God's glory.
Every moment of each day I have the chance to choose between cynicism and joy. Every thought I have can be cynical or joyful...Increasingly I am aware of all these possible choices, and increasintly I discover that every choice for joy in turn reveals more joy and offers more reason to make life a true celebration in the house of the Father. 

The Retreat by Carol Kortsch

The Center for Courage & Renewal hosts a listserv for facilitators of Courage to Teach and other Circles of Trust. Carol Kortsch is a fellow facilitator and her book was lauded on the listserv as a MUST READ, so that's what led me to order it and read it.
It takes a very typical (for Courage work) weekend retreat and describes the experience through the eyes of several of the participants. The author takes very difficult subject matter -- describing something so ethereal and personal -- and makes it accessible. It's a very interesting way to elucidate the Courage work. While these circles of trust are deeply personal and reflective, the human experience is universal. This book really proves through various characters,  "the more personal, the more universal."
I found the book particularly interesting as a facilitator because the author describes so well the uncertainty that I often feel in leading this work. She also offers beautiful and descriptive language that describes very difficult concepts like soul, community, trust, and those ephemeral feelings of self-understanding and struggle. She also describes the fear and trembling that participants feel in silence, in community, in Clearness Committees, etc., for the first time.
I'm wondering if this book would enhance someone's retreat experience because they would know what to expect...or if it would detract because the bar would be set so high! I don't know...the people in this story make remarkable progress in a very short time...not sure how realistic this is! Have I had life-changing experiences in a circle of trust? Absolutely! Does it happen every time? Not for me...so I wonder about that. Perhaps it would enhance a person's readiness. Perhaps it would encourage them to be as honest, open, and as authentic as possible. And maybe it will broaden the audience for this kind of inner work--that would be a good thing!

The Robe by Lloyd C. Douglas

What a joy it was to rediscover this book! Our book club read Magnificent Obsession by the same author, and the cover noted this other book he had written. I smiled in recognition of an old friend...I had discovered this book in the library at Redwood Junior High when I was 13 and had loved it. I thought, I have to read this again to see if it still is as faith-promoting now as it was for me then.
The story is set in Jesus' time, and tells the story of the Roman soldier who won the Savior's robe in a dice game right after his crucifixion. The story is fascinating because it describes life and characters from that time in history. It was fascinating to learn some Roman history as well as glimpsing what every day life and travel may have been like in that time. A joy to read and a compelling story!
I'm also impressed that at such a young age I could understand and appreciate such difficult vocabulary and an involved story. It's no short book...but the characters move the story along magnificently. I was sad when it ended...
Somehow the author conveys the spirit of Christ's teachings through his apostles in a simple and powerful way. As his followers try to live lives of compassion, kindness, and forgiveness, we learn of their struggles and realize...they were not so very different than we are!

Magnificent Obsession by Lloyd C. Douglas

I probably never would have discovered this book on my own...but our Relief Society book club was reading it, and the title was intriguing, so I jumped in. Chris described it as a classic with a wonderful message, so it sounded like it would be worth my time. It was! I spent many a happy hour completely lifted into a more genteel time...with a compelling story and interesting characters. Unfortunately, I am writing this in January, and too much time has gone by since I read it to remember the particulars! This is a lesson to journal right after I read a book and not to wait! I always think I will remember details, but I do not. I lent this book to a friend right after I finished it, so I will add to this when she returns it and I've had some time to review it!