Maybe You Should Talk to Someone by Lori Gottlieb

 My sister Alice Jane recommended this book to me because she thought it was very engaging AND it reveals a lot about what it's like to be "in therapy." I agree with her assessment! It's kind of cool the way the author interweaves her own struggles and questions with her patients' stories and theories of counseling.There is a lot of wisdom here, particularly in dealing with difficult people and situations. As she shares how and why she counsels her patients, her skill shines through. 

I was disappointed but not surprised at the author's personal choices; ie, sleeping with her boyfriend and involving her young son in the relationship that eventually broke up. She is definitely in tune with the social mores of our time, but it was disappointing to see no remorse over that situation or thinking she had done anything amiss. And her story of finding a sperm donor for her pregnancy shows how completely "modern" she is, not thinking her baby needed a father. 

Still, overlooking those moral differences, there is great love and empathy and commitment with her patients. I enjoyed reading about her dying patient, her narcissistic patient, and her aging patient, all of whom developed and grew over the course of the book. Plus I have to admire how vulnerable and open this author is about her own thinking, insecurities, and life itself. Her own therapy with Wendell was one of my favorite aspects of the book, particularly how she grew to appreciate him. He is a real standout in the book, the way he seems completely authentic and supportive and nonjudgmental. Definitely the kind of therapist I would want!

The Alter Ego Effect by Todd Herman

 I heard a podcaster rave about this book and how it changed his life. The reviews on Amazon had similar stories. It didn't affect me this way, though there are some good ideas. To me it seemed too complicated to create this alter ego, and the research he cited didn't necessarily tie too firmly to the practice he was advocating. The author, Todd Herman, is a coach and "mental game strategist" and not a psychologist, so using the research this way isn't surprising. Still, he makes some good use of strategies... And I probably shouldn't judge the success of his ideas since I didn't try them in their entirety. I just wasn't sold on the whole idea...though parts do ring true and I am trying some of them. Herman's examples are most often from sports, so I naturally took some of his ideas and applied them to my pickleball game. They work occasionally--but, I haven't really given them a fair chance. 

One practice, meditation, that he advocates, clearly has a strong research base. No question there. And his example of how to short cut learning one method of meditating I found very useful. Here's his description: (Page 221)

Sit in a comfortable position. It could be in a chair or on the floor. Pace an object like a ball or a blank piece of paper two feet in front of you. Set a timer for three minutes. During the three minutes, you'll start by visualizing the number 1, on the object. The moment you notice your mind has drifted off of the number 1, visualize the number 2 on the object. Once again, when you've noticed your mind has drifted, visualize the number 3. Continue this pattern until the timer goes off. Whatever number you're left with when the timer goes off is the number you'll want to record somewhere. If you ended with the number 34, then that's the score for this round. You want a lower number next round.

Now do the exercise again, except this time activate your Alter Ego, with your Totem and go through the same process as your Alter Ego. If it's Einstein, be Einstein. If it's an elephant, be an elephant. If it's your strong and resilient grandmother, be her. Then record the number you're left with at the end.

How did it go? Were you better? Was it harder?

The two most common experiences people trying this for the first time are: 1) they were able to beat their previous score by a fair margin; 2) they found themselves looping back and forth between remembering to be their Alter Ego and focusing on the number. 

Either one is a great outcome because, with even more practice, things improve. 

I may give this book another chance...but maybe not. Parts are useful...

The Explosive Child by Ross W. Greene, Ph.D.

I read a summary of the ideas in this book online and was intrigued. Greene seemed to have a lot of experience and a very compassionate attitude toward troubled children. So, I thought I'd take a deeper look and ordered a copy.

It basically is a book with lots of ideas and sample dialogues about how to interact with troubling children. The author encourages parents to make an inventory of the behaviors and "lagging skills" so that they can develop an approach of "problems to be solved."

I like the approach. I like the idea that kids are troubling when they have skills that are lacking and I love the idea of purposefully teaching these skills. Then, the thinking goes, they will have the needed skills to solve problems. And lead a less tumultuous life.

The best argument for this approach is that typical approaches like repeated time-outs or uncomfortable consequences do NOT work with explosive children. They make the problems WORSE and make family life impossible and painful.

I was amazed that in their parenting, Mike and Sierra already use many of these problem-solving techniques very effectively and intuitively with their children. They explain consequences and invite mutual problem-solving. I'm going to give them the book anyway, because it may give them a few additional ideas or tweaks. Gratefully, NONE of their children is an explosive child as described in this book...the children in the examples sound like unholy terrors. But still, all children can have temper tantrums, and it might be useful to consider some "lagging skills" as a root cause.