Passionate Marriage - Keeping Love & Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships by David Schnarch, Ph.D.

 This book was mentioned in an interview with Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife, a wonderful therapist whose opinion I value highly. She bases much of her practice and thinking on David Schnarch's work and spoke so highly of him and this book that I decided to order it.

I love the author's attitude! He's accessible, positive, and warm. He uses his wealth of counseling experiences to teach via story and example. He's so positive and accepting of people and their struggles that it's easy to see why he would be an effective therapist.

One basic tenet of his, that Finlayson-Fife also teaches, is that a successful and loving relationship can only be built on two separate and whole individuals. We need to offer our whole, complete selves to the relationship, and encounter another whole and complete individual. Many of his illustrations illustrate the importance of this... With an emotionally needy person, it's very difficult to build a relationship. Both parts need to be strong and individual and come together in strength. We do not "fill each other's needs," or "complete each other." It's only then that a person has the wherewith all to be in a mature, nurturing and equal partnership. The "one up" and "one down" in power in a relationship, for example, leads to sexual dysfunction.

Another interesting and encouraging thesis of Shnarch's is that it takes decades to develop a satisfying sexual relationship; and not just in the sexual realm. But his point is that intimacy is deep, complex, and satisfying and we can't reap the rewards of such a relationship in a short-term time-span. He celebrates the rewards of long-term relationship, and I really like that idea. That it's worth the work and commitment because the rewards are so great.

Basically, what Schnarch and Finlayson-Fife (and others like Daedone) posit is that we need to know our own desires. We need to own them. We need to know what we want and work positively to get what we want, and not just sexually, but in our lives in general. We must know ourselves and be a working, growing, learning individual in all realms of our lives. This whole person can then come together with another whole person and create a loving and powerful bond that is immensely satisfying. It's a call for interdependence, and sometimes I just want independence because it's easier! But it's also less satisfying. I guess you need both, and as Leonard and I age, we'll continue to work on all aspects of ourselves and our relationship. The tension between independence and interdependence is something I continue to work out on an almost daily basis. How lucky am I?