Daring Greatly by Brene Brown

This book is a treasure and explains so eloquently how vulnerability is power. Brown writes with such wonderful clarity. Here are some of her definitions that resonated with me:

Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough. It's going to bed at night thinking Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn't change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging. (page 10, introduction) This definition is based on fundamental ideals; for example,

• Love and belonging are irreducible needs of all men, women, and children. We're hardwired for connection--it's what gives us purpose and meaning to our lives.
• Brown divided her subjects into two groups--those who feel a deep sense of love and belonging and those who struggle for it. The ONE variable is those who feel love and belonging believe they are WORTHY of it.
• A strong belief in our worthiness is cultivated when we understand the guideposts as choices and daily practices. (This reminds me of C. Terry WArner--doing the right thing in the moment.)
• The main concern of  wholehearted people is living a life defined by courage, compassion, and connection.
• The Wholehearted identify vulnerability as the catalyst for courage, compassion, and connection In fact the willingness to be vulnerable emerged as the single clearest value shared by all of the wholehearted. They attribute everything (professional, marriage, family) to their ability to be vulnerable. (pages 11-12)

Brown constantly cites her research and it made me wonder how large her sample size was, (1000 plus), and her method. She describes her grounded theory process and methods in her appendix. I should have read that first!

Here are some of my favorite quotes:
"We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness, and affection. Love is not something we give or get; it is something we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them--we can only love others as much as we love ourselves. Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive tese injuries if they are acknowledged, healed, and rare." (page 105-106)

"Connection is the energy that is created between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment." (page 145)

"Belonging is the innate human desire to be part of something larger than us. Because this yearning is so primal, we often try to acquire it by fitting in and by seeking approval, which are not only hollow substitutes for belonging, but often barriers to it. Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance." (pages 145-146)


I love her description of "shadow comforts" like eating, binge-screen time, overwork, etc. and advises us to ask the question: Are my choices comforting and nourishing my spirit, or are they temporary reprieves from vulnerability and difficult emotions ultimately diminishing my spirit? Are my choices leading to my wholeheartedness, or do they leave me feeling empty and searching? (page 147)

She quotes Martin Buber: "When two people relate to each other authentically and humanly, God is the electricity that surges between them." And then writes:
"After spending a decade studying belonging, authenticity, and shame, I can say for certain that we are hardwired for connection--emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I'm not suggesting that we engage in a deep, meaningful relationship with the man who works at the cleaners or the woman who works at the drive-through, but I am suggesting that we stop dehumanizing people and start looking them in the eye when we speak to them. If we don't the energy or time to do that, we should stay at home." (page 150).

"Embracing vulnerability and overcoming numbing is ultimately about the care and feeding of our spirits." Page 151.

Wow, this is good stuff! On Saturday, after working in the temple all day, and 10,000 steps plus, I tiredly agreed to go to dinner with Leonard and Lidvin and Karen. Our waitress was a TALKER and she annoyed the heck out of me. I disliked her, I didn't "see" her, and I discouraged leaving a decent tip. Wow, I should have stayed away. That lack of connection was worthy of repentance yesterday! Both Leonard and I saw that this waitress was angry, even though she laughed a lot and then tried to lecture us about cruelty to animals. We missed an opportunity to be kind and I feel badly about that.

Page 192--"Shame can only rise so far in any system before people disengage to protect themselves. When we're disengaged, we don't show up, we don't contribute, and we stop caring." Brown's work on shame is stellar and right on. I've experienced this. Brown advocates "shame resilience" and gives many workplace and school examples. This is the Disruptive Engagement chapter and it is powerful!

The "Wholehearted parenting" chapter is amazing too... Here are some quotes:
page 230: "When we feel good about the choices we're making and when we're engaging with the world from a place of worthiness rather than scarcity, we feel no need to judge and attack."

Page 225 - "Shame is so painful for children because it is inextricably linked to the fear of being unlovable."

Page 232 (8th graders)

• Belonging is being somewhere where you want to be, and they want you. Fitting in is being somewhere where you really want to be, but they don't care one way or the other.
• Belonging is being accepted for you. Fitting in is being accepted for being like everyone else. 
• I get to be if I belong. I have to be like you to fit in. 

Page 234- Pema Chodron quote: "Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It's a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity."

All in all, a wonderful book with lots of food for thought and application. Especially good for parents--I wish I had been more vulnerable when our kids were younger. Less of a perfectionist