The Tontine by Thomas B. Costain

When we were home in Napa at Christmas, I asked my 91-year old father for a recommendation for a new book for me. I was there longer than anticipated, and had finished everything I had brought along with me. My dad and I happen to love some of the same books (Story Like the Wind; A Far-Off Place, for example), so I was hoping he would have a good suggestion for me. He did! And not only did he recommend it, my sister Ann chimed in and said she had enjoyed it too. And, best of all, he had a copy of it I could keep awhile.

From the first page, I was taken in! Costain weaves a delightful history of life in England around the time of Napoleon's defeat. It's an ambitious undertaking as he follows the lives of several families and generations as England becomes industrialized. The main family, the Carboy's, are importers and factory owners. There's love, there's intrigue, there's peerage, and there's all manner of human frailties. Costain's tone is quite witty; he has a sometimes acid eye as he describes the foibles and interactions of the characters. Sometimes I would laugh out loud at his observations.

The story spans three or more generations and is divided into two volumes. I found the first volume much funnier than the first, but the story carried me right along in the second. It took me awhile to track down and order the second volume, so I had a few weeks in between. By the end of the story in the second volume, I couldn't remember some of the people that the story had circled back around to. So I started back at the beginning of the story in Volume 1, and realize that from the very beginning there is LOTS of subtle foreshadowing of things to come. It's very enjoyable to notice these on the second time through.

Costain's characters are fascinating and memorable. They also tend to be pretty much altruistic (Helen Groody) or stubbornly greedy (Sam Carboy). Although the good ones have their weak moments, the greedy ones seldom have any redeeming qualities; at least any that we can see. What they profess early in their lives (Isabelle Carboy, for example, wanting to marry a duke) stays consistent over the course of their lives. The English passion for their knighted and decorated heroes is fun to read about.

One thing I enjoyed was the comforting world that the author creates around the good characters. It feels reassuring to see good being rewarded with peace! Their lives are not always easy and they suffer serious setbacks, but their peace remains. That's a good thing.

The books I read were published in 1955 and the several pen and ink illustrations by Herbert Ryman in each volume are spare and charming. All in all, worthy of keeping and visiting again in a future lazy day!

July 2016
So...just coming out of a very difficult period...this pair of books (Volume 1 and 2) were a delightful retreat from reality as my brain adjusted to a new phase of life. We moved into a townhome and moved Irene in with us; she's 92 and this has dramatically changed our lives. When things were tough, I would gratefully retreat down to our cool walk-out basement and lose myself again in this wonderful story. I was so exhausted every day, that this was book was also a great reward at night before crashing. It took me over a month to read both this time around, and it was well worth it!

April 2022
I just finished it again! What a delightful story with great characters! We are now living in St. George, and it was a nice spring read when I needed something to help me sleep. I love this story and these characters. I might have to branch out and try a few more of this author's. It's amazing the detail he goes into as he describes the events of the three generations this epic novel spans. We see child labor exploited, we see heroes helping to get child-protection laws passed, we see Napoleon's family trying to gain the throne again, and we see the massive wealth built in England by Sam Carboy utterly lost in a depression.  So enjoyable! It's a keeper, for sure. And kind of bittersweet, now that Daddy is gone, that I can't revisit the story with him. 

Without Offense: The Art of Giving and Receiving Criticism by Dr. John L. Lund

I was talking to my friend Christy one day, about a book we both love: Bonds That Make Us Free by C. Terry Warner. I was wondering aloud about why Warner left much of the "how" out of his book and wrote that people had to find their own path. I liked that respect for our abilities, yet would appreciate some specific guidance in the area of working out differences constructively. Christy offered to lend me this book, because she feels it really goes a long way towards the "how."

Initially, I was disappointed as I scanned the first few chapters. Lund makes a strong case through scriptural references that advise that we are generally NOT to give criticism. He goes on to say that there is no such thing as "constructive" criticism, and compares criticism to unrighteous judgment.

Gradually, though, I began to understand and appreciate his point of view. Here's an excerpt from page 36:
Wisdom and common sense require that criticism be used sparingly. We should criticize so seldom that when we do, we will be heard. The frequently critical person is tuned out before the message is delivered. Nor is it justified to criticize  in the name of being honest. The so-called open, honest relationship, where both members feel free to express their concerns, often provides a forum for the more critical partner. Maybe the fundamental question that ought to be asked is not, "Is it honest?" but rather, "Is it edifying?" Will it ultimately be uplifting? Will it be good for the individual and the relationship? If a criticism does not qualify under the latter, it should not be spoken at all. 

On page 37, he describes the 24-hour challenge. That is, to try to live 24 hours without giving any criticism. I have tried this, and have had to start over multiple times! This little exercise really brought home to me how often and constantly I have critical thoughts and words.

Near the end of the book, Lund describes so-called toxic personalities and how to deal with them. This was perhaps my least favorite part of the book. It was almost like you're excused if you have to deal with a toxic personality...whereas Warner wouldn't go there at all. There may be times and people you leave, but you leave without anger, and with love. This toxic personality is no excuse, in my mind, but Lund still does caution us that even in those situations, our task is to love others. "People deserve to be loved because they are children of God. People should be loved even if their deeds cannot be."

Some of the "rules" of giving criticism make sense:
1. Think before you speak. Is the criticism within your stewardship, and would it be in the best interest of the other person to hear it? If not, don't say it. If it is, then proceed.
2. Ask for and receive permission before criticizing.
3. Be alone with the person at a mutually agreeable time and place.
4. Be in emotional control and logically explain the concern. No yelling, crying, swearing, or physical or emotional intimidation is allowed.
5. Do not attack the self-wroth of any human being. Focus on the issue or behavior. Be as specific as you can in separating self-wroth from the issue or behavior.
6. Affirm his or her worth to you.

I wouldn't say this book was one I appreciated very much. Parts made sense, but in general, I didn't find it too helpful. It seems like  too often the "acting out of love" was a strain or sacrifice, whereas Warner's idea is that being who WE need to be gives the other person a different person to react to...and there isn't sacrifice or martyrdom involved at all. We are just doing the right thing for the right reason. That approach makes more sense to me...